Most of my life I have been searching. I have been looking for something that has eluded me for some time. What I discovered was that the very thing I was searching for was available to me the whole time. The sad truth is that I wasted years and tears spinning my wheels to attain it. Finding that very precious gift was the one thing that would change not only the way I saw myself, but how I saw God and others.

Grace is a topic that is sadly too often overlooked or spoken of in trite tones in many churches. I went through a good portion of my spiritual life not understanding this basic yet powerful concept. Before you think that I am just being creative about communicating some religious dogma, read on as this is a very personal and sensitive thing for me to share. I hope it encourages you the way that it has encouraged me.

I have been for most of my life an affirmation whore. I know that might sound harsh, but it’s largely true. We all need affirmation; the old pat on the back, that a boy (or girl). It is a normal and necessary part of our wiring. I missed a great part of that in my childhood. My mother loved me and would without fail let me know it. But, what I missed was what was supposed to come from a father. Single mothers in particular have a hard time trying to do the part of both parents, and they deserve so much appreciation for the hard work the do. All too often our society makes them into a caricature of what they really are, people doing the best they can to raise their children well. But, we were not meant to parent alone.

Too often the lack of that other parent, whether in the home or not leaves an indelible mark in the lives of children who come up with that absence. I was such a child. I was always looking for what I longed for in the unhealthiest places. For me it was all about performance, the better I performed the more that need in me was satiated. I searched for affirmation in the form of sex, gangs, sports, etc. The better I was at any of these things the more I felt like I belonged and was accepted.

When I became a Christian at 16 years old I started to get the sense that things were shifting, but sadly that I used performance in that environment to get approval. Grace wasn’t a regular part of the conversation. It was about how good I could be for God. I quickly became a leader and was someone who gained attention for the good work I was doing. None of which is bad, but inside of me the approval of people meant that I was good in the sight of God. That is unhealthy!

This created a bad dynamic in my relationships. I was always looking to stronger older men to affirm and acknowledge my existence and value. So instead of hearing from God for myself I was dependant on another to tell me what to do. If I did something I that thought was awesome, but the men I looked up to didn’t think so, I would fall to pieces inside. That is no way for a man to live. Wisdom from elders is beneficial, but you cannot be paralyzed by their approval or lack thereof. My approach was do-better, do-bigger, be stronger, then maybe I will arrive (in the eyes of those I looked up to).

Then I started studying the grace of God, and it wrecked my life, in the best ways. I began to understand that I was good, not because of my doing good, but because God is good. At my worst, ugliest, and most wretched self, He places His greatness over me and sees me through the lens of His amazing love. He has beautiful eyes, meaning that He sees me through the beauty within Himself, and I become beautiful.

I will never forget my big moment of independence. It was years ago, when I was co-teaching a message with my former pastor. I was encouraging people to be their beautiful selves. I turned toward my former pastor and said, “I have spent too many years trying to be like him, I am who I am by the grace of God.” It was so powerful that other people come up to me this day, talking about that moment. That is what grace in a person’s life does; it inspires others to live free.

Grace is God’s undeserved favor. It is God looking at our sin and pronouncing us guilty of the death penalty, then taking on that penalty by Himself, releasing us to live free and blessed. Because Jesus wore my ugliness I get to walk around wearing His beauty. Because He got dirty for me, I am free to live clean. Because He carried my sin, I am overjoyed to live spotless. Because He is, I am. I don’t need to perform for others because of what God has already done for me. This is a Declaration of Independence! We don’t need to be chained to our old ways of functioning, whether trying to get over an absentee or abandoning parent, trying to gain significance through status and success, or trying to live free of addiction. God’s grace screams to us that because of who He is and what He has done we are free to just BE.